It looks like the Zerg invasion has finally landed in full force. Last week we knew they were coming. Their ominous mating cries echoing from the woods were a harbinger of the impending invasion.

Today they arrived in full force. It looks like they've hit the Greenbelt area the hardest, but who knows how long before they march their way to Gaithursburg. I'll try to hold out as long as I can.

I could see them dive-bombing peoples' cars, swooping down and pulling up and over your windshield in an attempt to incite fear/confusion, but most drivers are far too crafty. Of course, by coming out into the open like that they present themselves as a tasty treat to larger predators, like the Swallow.

When I got to work, I could see that they had already claimed one tree just outside my office. It looked like one of them was trying to make his way into my building, but I stopped short his efforts. No bugger poontang in this building for you, filthy meat bag!

I really should have brought my camera to work today (cause I always do that...not). These things are creepy as hell.

So I was using the internet tonight, as I am wont to do, and I came accross an activeX control that made me flip out, immediately.

Here's a screenshot of a slightly modified sample app:

What you see there is totally awesome. On the left, you have a flash swf, and on the right you have a C#.NET Winform. You are spraying right now.

My next goal is to get the thing on the right to be 3D (using OpenGL or Direct3D). Oh God the possibilities of a rich GUI creation system and a powerful language. As soon as the spinning 3d model demo is done I'm just gonna' sit at home and wait for the babes.

UPDATE (4:15am): I was just using the interonet again to see if there was a way to do this with C++ on OSX. I'm not sure if there is an official solution, but I found this, which is cross platform swf renderer that uses OpenGL. Pretty nifty.

UPDATE: (4:20am): MAN I AM SO HI

UPDATE: (4:21am): Here's the swf file spec. Mayhap I should rock that momma some.

Day one.

(The stage is dark, the curtains drawn. Occupying a sizeable portion of the central seats in the audience are a group of people wearing tuxedos, white gloves, and white coverings over the entirety of their heads. Each holds a large jar full of green liquid and a brain. They never acknowledge the audience, staring straight ahead and occaisonally shining lasers on the brains. Soon the lights go dim, and a mighty, terrible storm of classical music and chanting rages through the house, growing more thunderous and epic with each moment. The curtains rise, like a god gingerly unfurling his fingers from a newborn world. The stage is completely blank except for a table covered with plates of half-eaten watermelon. The music fades to a backgound level to accomadate a voice equally as thunderous and epic.)

VOICE: It was 4,000 years in the future. Man and machine had finally found peace after the 5,000 year long War where Man and Machine had warred for thousands of years. Their peace was uneasy until they were united by the coming of the Keatonians, who bestowed upon the war-torn earth the Brain Walkers, who-
(A few stagehands approach from the side, trying to head inconspicuously toward the table to remove it.)
VOICE: Spies!
(A roped sandbag falls from the ceiling, blocking the stagehands, who run away.The rope is pulled back up into the ceilling. The voice waits just long enough to make it as awkward as possible.)
VOICE: Who with the power of Keatonium brought man and machine into a deep sleep where they entered The Sleepening and battled in the Psychic wars against the Dream Tyrant and his legions of-
(The stagehands approach the table again, noticeablely more spooked than last time.)
VOICE:BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(The pieces of watermelon float off of the table and toward the stagehands. One of them is too slow, and the watermelon pieces are upon him, causing him to burst into flames. He pauses contemplatively.)
VOICE: And thus were video games invented.
(The voice pauses. The man is still ablaze.)
VOICE: You.
MAN: Huh?
VOICE: Clear this table away.
MAN: You want-
(The sandbag falls on his head. He explodes into flaming meat chunks.)
VOICE: But all was not well. For the time wars soon erupted after the Tyrant of Flesh was freed from his crystalline ruby prison on the Second Crimson Moon, and he scattered all the video games throughout the time streams, knowing one would have to create the ultimate game to unite them once more.
(The other stagehands come onstage and start cleaning up the meat chunks.
VOICE: That time has come.

Today I think I saw Dr. Branton's here in Maryland. At Taco bell. Getting his brown minivan towed.

Seriously, they looked almost exactly alike. It was really weird,

It was $40 new but I don't know if it will ever come. HOLY CRAP the game gets good, and holy crap am I the biggest Treasure whore on the planet. I think I have to buy Stretch Panic now, in order to fill my shelf with more bravy.

I cooked man-meat on the man-grill today, and I put pepper all up in it, and then I fed Mel a bunch of hot dogs and she was like "My terrible Vegan infection is cured!"

Oh, and gas is like $25 here in south florida (in Mike town). The blood of American soldiers costs less, which means that I should invest in a new stretch hummer.

Man, my life is tres divertissement, which is japanese for "FULL OF ROBOTS AND BRAVY."

So, I'm in bumblefuck New York visiting my friend because he graduated today, but that's not the tale I'm here to tell. Yesterday, when we got here, we ended up at this part of some chick I don't know but my friend knows. Well I spent a good part of the party talking to/hugging people like I knew them when I really didn't (I was a little bit tipsy.) Then, at the end, I was witness to my friends girlfriend puking up spaghetti on this chicks driveway....and totally leave it there, that was nice of her to leave food for the hungry party-goers.

There's a keg coming in like an hour....so I'm gonna go.

I'm a better programmer than ben because I can do html. Look at this.

[b]bold type MUTHAFUCKA[b/]

[i]italic[i\]

[sp]special[sp/]

[coordinate=c] coordinate is c [coordinate=c\]

I rediscovered N64 emulation today thanks to my re-installation of an IRC client. Here's what happened!

witty comment about the best game ever.

Superman, apparently, drives like a car. After flying through hoops for a couple minutes, I guess I beat the game.

Moving on, I popped in Sin and Punishment, the only Treasure game that I'd neither seen nor felt. Well, it's quite good. It's kinda' like Charge and Blast, but if CnB controlled well, and was fun, and not for 4rgs. What I don't understand is, why are the voices in this game in English?

here's a party of dudes. They poured over the wall for about 30 seconds, small ones and large ones. Kinda' hard to make out, but the whole thing is a mass of bad dudes.

here's a bossman.

here's the bossman after finding out about the new Zelda game for gamecube. ( he's spraying like a kitten).

here's a midboss who was almost exactly like Epyon. He has a laser whip and stuff.

After Sin and Punishment, I decided to tweak the emulator settings to see if I could get Superman 64 to run better. I think that this is more what the one true Miyamoto had in mind when he was designing the game.

Because Pangolins are infinitely more badass. Cheggit.

In addition to the ability to spray a foul liquid from the anal gland at their enemies, they have razor sharp scales to cut fools with, not to mention their 27 inch-long tongues. Plus, they can burrow. Knowledge is domination.

Sea otters have purple skeletons because of the dye from eating sea urchins.

Here is an official survey being contucted by me:

What is your favorite aminal?

To get the ball rolling, here's mine: I like doggies.

Please leave your answer in the comments section.

UPDATE:
Here are the preliminary voting results. It appears we have a 10-way tie:

Doggies: 1
Brontasauruses: 1
Madden: 1
David Copperfield touching his own [glee]: 1
Robins: 1
Lemur: 1
Pussy......cats: 1
Platypus: 1
Spa-dawg: 1
Ponies: 1

This may very well be one of the most profound scientific studies conducted by mankind. I am very, very, pleased with the results so far.

Day one.

Owing to the apparent massive surge of public interest, I'll be keeping a log to consistently inform the internet community of Project Game's progress. No actual coding or art has been accomplished yet; the bulk of today was spent traveling the time streams to gather my design team.
While on the way to collect Shigeru Miyamoto I happened upon Nichola Tesla. He agreed to design the box if I would take him back in time to the Mongols so he could exterminate them with some kind of clock that had some seriously scary looking shit coming off of it. The Mongols were soon extinguished. Unfortunately, it turned out that Shigeru Miyamoto had an ancestor among the hordes of Khan, and another trip was required to correct the situation. Fortunately, Mr. Tesla was satisfied with the experience of using The Clock and had no complaints. Unfortunately, Mr. Tesla and Mr. Miyamoto got off to a very bad start after Tesla accused Miyamoto of stealing his juice. As I listen to their angry squawks in the background, the ages streaming past the porthole, I cannot help but marvel at the lengths one would go to to make a great game.

Did he fake his death? The 20th Anniversary of his death should be soon. Sounds like something he'd do.

Penny-Arcade made another ad for us. Again they failed to follow the size restrictions or the appearance that the contest is long over, but here it is again. Like before, I drew the whole thing, and they colored it and added the text stuff.

So when sliced vegetables, for instance red peppers, go bad, they never, ever will taste good, no matter how much mustard and hot dog bun you use on them.

Also, you should never eat like, a whole head of lettuce. No ammount of mustard will make it good.

bam

EDIT:
For those of you who aren't getting it, here's another video. This one is about 10x longer and does it step by step. Seriously, I got this in my first try. It works, and it makes me feel like a ninja.

ben needs a flash player, alex needs a g5. can they help each other?!

Ben Burbank: macromedia is still being a bunch of asshats about a decent swf player for OSX
Ben Burbank: I should make one.
Alexander McClung: I should BE one.
Ben Burbank: we could finally implement that cardboard-based graphics engine
Ben Burbank: and then you could be a swfC player
Ben Burbank: (swf for Cardboard)
Alexander McClung: oh hell yes
Alexander McClung: I forgot about my cardboard engine.
Ben Burbank: yes.
Ben Burbank: would have been a ton of fun.
Ben Burbank: maybe we can implement it up in Chicago.
Ben Burbank: since we'll have Jack there, who is a very big fan of the medium.
Alexander McClung: we could at least get an alpha version up
Ben Burbank: well, we just thought of something to do.
Ben Burbank: I think performance art is a step in the right direction
Ben Burbank: we could put on a play designed to get me a job. as mayor
Alexander McClung: It would have to be a musical. All previous mayors of chicago have been elected by musical.
Ben Burbank: yes, lousy musicalocrats.
Alexander McClung: I'm a tastycrat!
Ben Burbank: good.
Ben Burbank: we should give Will a taste of his own medicine.
Ben Burbank: except I only have 20.75 hours to get my site launched.
Alexander McClung: Will takes medicine?
Ben Burbank: he takes politicodicine.
Alexander McClung: What is that for?
Alexander McClung: Will you write my justification for a G5?
Ben Burbank: ok.
Ben Burbank: dear boss, I need a g5 because my favorite part of the breast is the futurama. Please g5 me before it's too late. Also, http://pos.bburbank.com .
Ben Burbank: love, alex.
Alexander McClung: I might add "before it's too late"
Ben Burbank: good.
Ben Burbank: ok, I'll try another one.
Ben Burbank: dearest boss, I regret to inform you that there is a bomb on the dual-G4 workstation, and I need to hire Keanu G5 to keep it up to the correct performance evaluation. The G5 makes you sexually excited. Please don't not never even a little bit act now or else my productivity won't go higher, my work won't go faster than ever before, and I won't be online in just 15 minutes.
Ben Burbank: love, alex.
Ben Burbank: and then later:
Ben Burbank: dear bastard, you don't have to ignore me. It just makes me angry and now my G4 is the Hluk. You shouldn't have made me angry because you won't like not having a new G5 in my office. I swear to G4, bastard, that I'll pee the whole room sour.
Ben Burbank: blatantly, alex.
Alexander McClung: excrementally, alex
Ben Burbank: later still:
Ben Burbank: dear 4g, I cannot believe those fatcat musicalocrats in Chicago get G5s and yet all of us regular tastycrats only get goat's blood and black stuff. Please move your car before my Hluk destroys the bus. Pop quiz, boss shot, the basketballer will pee the whole world sour on the faces of the children. They need to work faster, and be more productive than ever, and play all the latest games.
Ben Burbank: don't 4rget, alex
Ben Burbank: P.S. only with their urine, can I be curin'.
Alexander McClung: wasn't that from the daily show or something?
Ben Burbank: space ghost
Alexander McClung: oh right, I often mix those two up
Alexander McClung: "the retardos"
Ben Burbank: it's easy to do.
Ben Burbank: one of them is a serious news broadcast and one of them has John STEWARBARRFFFF
Ben Burbank: oh yeah, I forgot to take out my AJchip
Ben Burbank: whenever I let an awful joke slip I have to throw up everywhere
Ben Burbank: THE CONCEPT OF THE AJCHIP IN AND OF ITSELF COVERS ME IN PUKKKKS
Alexander McClung: I wish I had a Wchip that made me barf whenever I worked
Ben Burbank: now I continue helping you work:
Ben Burbank: dear B-Fer, Think Different. Switch. Consider your jeens creamed. Mac OSX 10.4 N-Word Cat
Ben Burbank: love, alex
Alexander McClung: B-Fer?
Ben Burbank: uhhhh
Ben Burbank: best friend ever.
Alexander McClung: ok
Alexander McClung: are you sure it's not Boy Friend Ever?
Ben Burbank: I think it might just be Butt-Friendlyer.
Alexander McClung: or big footer

In case you got taken off DA-l, ben, matt sent out something about a gallery show made up of photos taken from people's cell phones. I think you can submit online, which is good, since it starts tomorrow. People could maybe end up looking at wayne and his pillar of slain college in san francisco.

The Mobile Phone Photo Show (MPPS) Invites Participants from Around the
World to Send In Photographs Taken With Their Mobile Phones.

Rx presents "The Mobile Phone Photo Show" (MPPS), a participatory
exhibition of mobile phone photography curated by Kurt Bigenho and Gregory
Cowley. Opening May 20 with a reception from 7-10pm, the MPPS installation
will capture and process thousands of mobile phone photographs sent in by
participants from all over the world, during the course of the exhibition.
MPPS runs through June 18, 2004 at 132 Eddy Street, San Francisco. Gallery
hours are daily by appointment, as well as nightly Thursday-Saturday.

The exhibition features video monitors, projectors, kiosks, a window-display
photo booth activated from outside, as well as a 60x20-foot wall which will
eventually be covered in printed photos. Participants are required to
register. Registration is free to anyone with a photo-capable mobile phone
and is available by logging onto the rxgallery.com website and following the
MPPS link.

I just woke up from the most terrible dream ever.

It all stemmed from the recent internet problems I've been having - certain websites (like pos.bburbank.com, google, etc) wouldn't load, so my mom and I went to our service provider to ask them what was wrong.

They said we were using too much bandwidth and had to cut down. They said we had 2 gb a month and that was it, and I was like "We do that in a day", but they didn't listen and I died a little inside.

:(

Only a couple people saw this while it was up in the DA Lab, since I drew it there at the end of the semester. Juls helped. It took a long, long time. This is the only record that I have of it, 4 pictures taken with my phone.

Oh, my new monitor came in today. I'm very, very happy with it. And on that note, please gimme teh crtises regarding my portfolio design, since I need all the help I can get. There is currently no scripting in there, and that's tonight's task (loader, buttons, xml parser). But I could use help regarding what you like and what you don't.

dEaR ChRIS sTyLeS, EriC EldeRidgE, anD WIlL O'NeIlL:

wE hAvE KidNAPPeD YOur bAbiES, meAt ThE foLLoWInG dEmAndS whEn BEN BURBANK, JaCK soMeThINg, and ALeX McClUUBg cOmEtO toWN oR thE bAbbeS wIlLl bE wEARinG a NEw sEt oF ConCrEtE SHOES:

1. Have a Bar-B-Que somewhere in the city.
2. Go to Chipotle.
3. Convince Will to drive us to Wisconsin since it's seriously right there.
4. Rob somebody.
5. Ride a pony.
6. Go to a restaurant Where Dinner is the Show.
7. Talk to strangers.
8. Get strangers we talk to to give us candy.
9. Go home with strangers who give us candy.
10. Something that starts with "R".
11. Go see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkanan.
12. Not see Garfield.
13. Spit from the top of the Sears Tower.
14. Have Ben finish this list.

lEaVE thE DeMandS in A bROwN sUItCaSE bY tHE PiER #4 bY miDNiGhT

-ThE CEReAl BaBY RaPPiStT

1. The following analogy has to do with Square Enix.

        The Bouncer : River City Ransom :: Drakengard : _____________

           a) Panzer Dragoon Saga
           b) Ultima VII
           c) Secret of Mana
           d) All of the games that are good, and
                    none of the games that are bad.

So it seems that Penny-Arcarde got in on the contest from a few days ago. Too bad their entry might be late, and they didn't fit the size requirements. Still, it's good for them to show everybody who is boss on the internet.

http://www.adultswimcollegerep.com/

Just when I graduated. Damn.

Today when I got my haircut the lady said I looked like Spiderman. Her exact words: "You know you kind of look like Spiderman, or ze aktor zat played Spiderman, vot vos hees name?" (she had this thick russian accent).

Anway, it was cool. I'm gonna go see if I can stick to walls and shoot jizz out of my wrists.

So today I'm 20 man. I guess that means I leveled up.

If somebody were interested in game development, I would cram this book down their throat. I picked it up yesterday and I couldn't put it down. It's the first book I know of that doesn't seek to teach tricks or APIs. It's written by Mike McShaffrey, ex-Origin programmer who worked on Ultima VII-IX and Ultima Online in the same office as Warren Spector, Chris Roberts, and Richard Garriot. The book is told in pseudo-narrative form; the first chapter begins with the author's retelling of his job interview, and throughout the book he tells little stories, maybe one on every third page. In Warren Spector's Forward, he recalls that Ultima VII wouldn't have happened without 'the Mike.'

The book is structured thusly:

basic things every game programmer should know
advanced things every game programmer should know
team building
business building
testing

It covers game programming theory and game programming industry in equal parts, and there are apparently large passages aimed at anybody interested in the industry, programmer or no.

There's this one guy who's opinion I trust more than just about anybody as far as games I will like goes, and he mentioned a new gamecube game to me with the following sales pitch:

"If you don't buy this game when it comes out then it's because you are broken and dead inside."

The game is called Odama. More specifically Yoot Saito's Odama. He returns. It's a pinball game, right, only you're playing pinball on top of an RTS that takes place in a series of historic battles. You have to guide the Odama (which literally translated to "Huge Ball") into the enemy forces using standard pinball physics, while at the same time avoiding your own patches of troops. The goal is to lead your troops to the enemy leader.

Here are pictures. They are small but you get the idea.

I mean, Nintendo, I already said "you won my heart." But with this, with this, I have come to realize that there is a place for creative inspiration in this of profit-oriented industry. And though I lost Ico 2 to your unfeeling mighty grip, industry, I gained what could be another glorious experience. I'm gonna' go pre-order this game tomorrow, and it will play out like this:

Ben: I'd like to prepay for Odama. I'd like 4 copies, please. Also, sign me up for that Donkey Kong sidescroller that you play with the bongos.

Gamestop Man: DON'T EVEN BRING UP HALO.

Ben: Puk.

Gamestop Man: DOR'Te GEVNH BARIG PUI HGLO.

I want to put on a puppet show where I sit with my puppet for a few awkward, silent minutes. Then the puppet would stab me and blood would come out and I would fall, and the blood would keep coming out until I was removed from the stage by butlers with thin limbs and tall hats.

Right now, as I type this, there is a dude sitting in his minivan in the street in front of my house. He's totally puking up a storm. I think he's training for some kind of Vometition (I just made that up). Right now, I'd say he's probably in the top five contenders based on what I've seen and heard.

(Vometition = vomit competition)

bukkakeru
(v1) to dash (slosh) (water) on a person or in a person's face

/returns to third grade

This is a post about a game and a dream.

Nippon Ichi has officialy announced their next game (after Phantom Brave this Fall):

It's called Makai Wars, if you don't know how to look at images. Note how there appears to be a tiger with a knife coming out of him, and some sort of crazy mutant spider thing in those gorgeous shadows. People should make their little AIM avatars from it, since that's what it's for. I think I might rock that when I'm home later today.

Second, my dream. Having gone to bed at roughly 9 am in a surreal stupor, this is probably the sort of thing I should expect. You see, in my dream, John Lucas was visiting town from his stint in the army, where he had apparently been trained the ability to turn into a 7-year-old version of himself at will (whom I unflinchingly called "Little John"). This was good, because while he was visiting I was able to use him in my children's musical, "Fever in the North: Children's Musical." It appears that I was as a magician only with depression, for I had written a Vaudevillian story of bland human existance full of dancing children and self-aware narrative passages that would have made Vonnegut proud. I talked to Little John at great length about what it is to be a hero, and what it is to be a human.

One person said "I don't think they liked it. All they can do about it is laugh," to me as they were walking out. It seems that if I had stopped it after the dance sequences they might have been content and just thought it to be an elementary school dance recital.

As the audience left the theatre they were killed by the pit vipers I had left outside. Only the children (including Little John) and myself escaped unscathed. Then John took his original shape and we did Star Wars impressions. I woke up to glowing reviews.

I haven't been near my computer in a little while, so that's why my steady stream of ad submissions has stopped. I mean, why other people's submissions to my email account - hey look at this!

Resident Evil 4, which I commented looked like not ass is in fact being developed by the dudes who came up with Devil May Cry. So that's why it looks better. Hell, just by making the game look not retarded they've made it into the coveted 'anticipated game' section of my upcoming release list. Some other stuff excites me more, but I guess most of that was cancelled.

So here's to my apparently dead homies:

Mario 128.
Ico 2 (no words).
Psychonauts (you were so young and beautiful).
Unity (sequel to Rez).

At least Sly Cooper 2 avoided still birth. And it looks to be very, very healthy. Also, Donky Konga looks kinda' fun, but its immediate sequel Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat looks to be party-tastic. It's a side-scrolling action game that you play with freaking conga drums as a controller. I have yet to see it in action, but everybody seems to like it. I should mention also that Mario Tennis for the gamecube appears to be the sex.

Oh! Yesterday, while Jess was at work, she had her car parked in the parking lot, as she is wont to do. Well, this friggin' school bus plowed into it, like, smashing up the whole left side of the car. Ever since then the surreality has been setting in, like, the part where I don't sleep but I'm not tired.

Also, apparenly Unity isn't dead, although looking at these screens and the write-up makes it sound like it's just gonna' be a glorified Winamp filter with some Rez-like elements. Apparently there will be none of the depth and beauty found in Rez's elegant story of a hacker's journey to the heart of the universe. Basically, it sounds terrible.

I think my earth is ending. All I have to say is, WELCOME TO MOE'S, CAPCOM, YOU BUTCHER.

It seems we have a last-minute entry from our good friend, William Mister Political Science Major O'Neill.

Give it up, ladies and gentlemen.

I just spent the last hour at Tampa Bay Newspapers showing them I can make an add in effin Quark. I sat next to a guy wearing an Apple t-shirt, and behind another guy who said, "we only need one button." They were using 10.3. I don't think they know what they're missing out on.

This was after my resume was reviewd by TAC Worldwide, but only after they saw my scores of an online test that showed my proficiency in Photoshop, Illustrator, and Quark. A FUCKING ONLINE TEST!! The tests asked me questions like, "what tool is this?" Or, "you'd rather do this stupid shit rather than be an artist?"

I don't want to join the real world. I want to make these:

Just a note: Will did a lot of work to write a fairly democratically biased (and therefore correct) assessment of political leanings. I figure, it's probably good for everybody to check this out. Keep in mind, don't hate Will, just know that it's funny to hate Will.

________________________________
Comments: What am I

I'm biased towards the Democrats, but in terms of straightforward elections rules here is the deal:

To vote you must be a citizen, prove that you live were you do, and be over 18. In some states (FL, TX) you can't vote if you have been convicted of a felony.

You DO NOT have to register to any party. You are allowed to register with no party affiliation (NPA) or as an independent (though watch out, in some states there are "Independent Parties" that trick people into joining them because people think "Independent" means "No Party Affiliation").

No matter what party you belong to, you can vote in an general election for any candidate you choose. For example, someone who has been registered as a Democrat could vote for Bush in the Presidential Election. This doesn't mean that they have become a Republican, per se, but they have simply not voted along party lines.

It DOES mean they are dumb.

You are allowed to do this. You do not ever have to tell anyone who you have voted for in any election. Noone will ever really know.* There are many RINOs and DINOs (Republican/Democrat In Name Only), individuals who are registered to one party but always seem to vote for the candidates of the other and hold views contrary to that of the party to which they belong.

There is simply no explaining some folks.

So why would one register to be in a given party at all, if it doesn't effect who you can vote for in the general election?

People register for parties for many reasons, but here are the two basic ones: 1) they feel a strong inclination towards and have a strong voting preference for one party over another and/or 2)registering in a party allows one to vote in that party's primary election.

A primary is an election in which members of a party pick a representative from among themselves to become the candidate in the general election. They do this by voting in exactly the same way they would vote in a general election, except all the people they are able to choose from are from their party and the election happens a good amount of time before the general election.

In terms of the parties, there are only a few you ever really hear about. The Republicans and the Democrats dominate the scene. If you are looking to pull any weight whatsoever in a primary election, you have little option but to register with one of these. There are, however, small enclaves where Greens and Reform Party members hold some sway and have active primaries for local positions (city councils, county commissions, even state rep in some places).

That being said, if one feels strongly that they want to be a member of the National Socialist Movement or any other "third party" because of their personal political views, they can still vote for George Bush. Actually, members of the National Socialist Party would gladly welcome Bush into their ranks.

If you are interested in learning about all the parties, go to http://www.politics1.com/parties.htm for a listing of almost all registered political parties. For the Rs and the Ds, listen up: school is in session.

Before I begin, I must remind you that it is of the utmost importance to understand when a baby becomes alive. Does that life start at conception? Three months into the pregnancy? Birth? This, of course, forces us to confront this most important of questions:

When does a dead baby become a dead baby,
and when is it just a miscarry?

Republican Party: a.k.a. - GOP (Grand Olde Party), Party of Lincoln. Republicans say that they believe in smaller, less intrusive government, fiscal conservativism, local control of government functions (more power to the states, counties, municipalities), and conservative values. They also claim to believe in a strong military, free trade, and not to like multilateral (read: United Nations) interventionalist foriegn policy. What this means in terms of policy is "lower taxation," little to no gun control, the desire to institutionalize marriage as being only between a man and a woman, banning abortion, and unilaterial interventionalist foriegn policy.

My personal translation of this (I told you I was biased): "lower taxes" really means tax cuts for the wealthy. The tax cut Gore was proposing in 2000 would have been better for upwards of 90% of middle class families, but Bush sold his better with the $300 tax refund checks everyone got (which most people paid back later in their taxes for the next year). The top 10% got a huge windfall with the Bush tax cut. The top 2% just got to fuck in a pile of Benjamins. Gun control is another issue where they present themselves as wanting to make sure people get to keep their guns, but they really just make it easy for criminals to get their hands on them. Local control means "unfunded mandates." No Child Left Behind is a great example. The federal government made local schools do a whole bunch of extra work and implement tons of testing but didn't come through to help cover the massive costs associated with retraining teachers, administering the tests, and paying for a ton of other requirements to meet the goals of the law. "Conservative Values" is another thing. Banning gay marriage is institutionalizing homophobia. Banning abortion would prompt hundreds of women to have illegal "backalley" abortions. I don't like Whoopi Goldberg all that much, but she held up a coathanger at a women's march on DC and said that there was an entire generation of women that didn't know what it could be used for. Thank God. Unilateral interventialist foreign policy: where were those weapons of mass destruction again? Oh yeah, in your fucking imagination.

I think David Cross said it best, "I don't think all Republicans are sexist homophobic racists who don't give a shit about other people. I only think all the people they choose to represent them are."

Democratic Party - a.k.a. Party of Jefferson and Jackson. The Democratic Party is believes in an progressive tax system (the more money you earn the greater a percentage of your income you pay in taxes), the right for Labor to organize, easier access to affordable healthcare (even "socializing" medicine so that costs come out of taxes like social security does now), multilaterial interventionalist foriegn policy, fair trade (as opposed to free trade, wherein foreign companies might not have as high labor or quality standards), a progressive value structure (pro choice, pro civil unions for gays), more gun control (banning assualt weapons, making sure convicted criminals aren't buying guns in stores), and actual practice responcible fiscal policy (we had a few years where we had no budget deficit for Christ's Sake! now OUR grandkids will be paying for what the government is doing right now). Democrats are usually more for social welfare programs (a social safety net, unemployment benefits, health programs, and of course "welfare").

Most opponents of welfare would have you think that most people on welfare are black inner city moms that sit around doing nothing with kids from 3 different daddies out of a possible 18. Actaully, most people on welfare are on it for less than six months, and most are WHITE (even accounting for percentage of population).

Well that is my two cents. Hope that helps and wasn't too boring. Having Ben post this so anyone else who wants to learn a thing or two can have a look.

*This is not to say that one can't figure out the probability of you having voted in any given way. It is acceptable to figure out the probability of how you may have voted based upon the turn out in you precint and you voter registration (party affiliation). Let's say in Precint A 100 Democrats, 100 Republicans, and 50 Inpedentents voted. It is legal, and common practice, to break down the vote and look at how the Democrats voted, how the Republicans voted, and how the Independents voted. Based upon that info it can be predicted how you voted within a certian probability. I could have been a master at that shit if I had kept it up.

I think it's time the secret was out.

Click and Feel.

For all you dudes looking for something to do while you're tooling around the internet, you should check out Game Trailers. They have trailers for all of the big games from E3. You should check out Viewtiful Joe 2, Half-Life 2, and Resident Evil 4 without question (trust me on the RE4... it looks like they made the game completely not stale). I think they have Paper Mario 2 on there, too, and you should see that also. One good thing: the quicktime streams are actually fast enough to watch while you sit there, instead of most other sites that are getting ass-pounded by video-o-philes.

the james and i are soon to depart massachusetts. those still in florida, expect me to be popping by with some magazines and dvd-rs around saturday'ish.

::le sigh::

Since I honestly fear for our future, I've decided I'm gonna vote in the next election.

The thing is, I have no idea what I am. Democrat? Republican? Green? Constitution? Honestly, I don't know what they're all about, entirely. I'm pretty sure I'm not Republican. I think I lean more towards Democrat, but I honestly have no clue.

So, I'm hoping somebody out there (maybe Will Mister Political Science Major O'Neill) can give me some advice. Also, I'm curious to know how this choice affects the vote. I.e. will the world end if I'm affiliated with party A and I vote for someone in party B? My parents never raised me right, so I don't know anything about that kind of stuff.

I do, however, know what happened to the constipated mathemetician (he worked it out with a pencil - thanks, Dad).

He gives such glowing reviews! They sound more like "eeyaaaaaooooeeyaaaaaa" than I would like, but now people who don't speak robot can see what he has to say about us thanks to his magical skills in photoshop.

It looks like pos might end up on the Nintendo DS.

This contest is lit up.

I, like everyone else who's not a total fag, shat my pants over the new Zelda screenshots. But they also got me a-thinkin'

Didn't just about everyone who wasn't cool hate the latest Zelda game on the GC? What with all the comments like:

"omg moer liek celda"
"no, moer liek fagda"
"no, moer like zeld4g"
"no, moer liek celdfag!"
"omg pwnt"
"burnt"
"lame"

I think that maybe pissed Nintendo off, cuz now they're all like, "Suck on this, bitches. Look at how sexy this looks. How do you like us now, huh? You know you like it, unnnnh, yeah."

So, anyway, that was my thought on the subject. Not like I'm angry about either game (I hearted Windwaker like it was my doggers). Way to stick it to the public, though, Nintendo.

Since this latest contest is so popular, it might take me a while to get your ad posted. I'm sorry, but my inbox is swamped with entries! If your ad gets returned to you just try and resend, ok? Also, why haven't any of the other pos'ers participated yet? I dunno, maybe they quit. That would explain why the office is so lonely. KARRRRDOOOOOCCCCK (Klingon for loneliness).

This one was sent in by Jesus. I don't get it, but I think everybody should be able to participate!

Here is the first official entry into the contest of supreme deciding! This one comes from the number one reader, The Abortotron.

We are now having a contest. Everybody submit an all new ad for this site. It should be a static image sized 800 by 200, and you should post it. The funny wins. Go.

yes the DS looks neat. Whatever.

SAVE-CLICK THIS NOW. A new Zelda game for Gamecube. Sure, I'd like one. A new Zelda game that looks like the best game ever? Meh. I will say this, I actually cried watching that video (the version I watched had different music).

So I'm missing E3... again, but it's OK. I found a reliable up-to-the-nanosecond news feed, and here's an update:

Sony did their whole spiel about the PSP, the design is now flat instead of round, the screen is huge, the games look just like PS2 games, and it doesn't weigh that much. They have not announced a price point, which means that it will probably be >$300.

Nintendo's doing their DS thing right now. I'm willing to bet that they're going to announce it as a $200 thingie. Whatever, I won't be buying either of these for a very long time. ::sigh::

Apparently I took a $5,500 loan last fall (instead of the $3,000 that I thought) and nobody seems to have noticed. My grand total for 4.5 years of college was $8,333 in loans, and I have to start paying my $80 a month right away. Wooo. So, I'm going on Job Quest. I've already applied at like 5 places, so we'll see if any of that comes back to me. At first I thought I might get into some of the higher paying jobs (>$75,000) but now it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I got one flat out "no" within 8 hours, which was cool because now I know. So I'm kicking the $40,000-60,000 range, which seems to be more abundant and entry-level centric. We'll see. Hell, if I even make $30,000-35,000 I can live just fine in a big city, it just won't be a life of luxury or anything.

Speaking of big cities, I was gonna' drive to one soon, but I don't think I'm gonna' do that anymore. Thankfully, AirTran flies from Orlando to Chicago for a mere $200 if your flight times are a little flexible. This is fantastic news, since it would have cost about $300 + food to drive by myself, or $150 per person + food to drive with one other person, so it seems to make very good sense. I'll probably be landing on the 5th, and Alex said he might be able to go, too (big praty woo). Such a big pratitty.

Speaking of Pratittitties, I've been rocking Guild Wars, which is a damn fine MMORPG. Currently they're doing free alpha testing to the public as an E3 event (I guess they want to show off a populated game at the event). The game runs like silk and looks just as good. In the game, I'm a ranger crossed with a necromancer, which means I can shoot bows and siphon people's life away. Pretty neat. My name is Donut Hat Joey.

It's a very fun cross of Diablo and FFXI with some good crazy party thrown in. It's very obvious that the guys running ArenaNet used to run BattleNet and as such Blizzard Entertainment. If they're able to keep their promise about no monthly charges, I think I'll be all over this game like stink on me when it's released. I'll maybe post screen shots later. For now, bathing.

So, I decided that the train might be a good idea for travel from Deland, Floria to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I was so wrong, so very very very wrong.

Ok. So some basic information as to my normal habits upon travel. In most occasions or prolonged travel, the creature known as Sean O'Connor turns into a hollow shell of his former self, much like a man who has been stripped of his very soul and tormented for centuries. Basically, I don't want to talk to be talked to and I DEFINETLY will not initiate conversation with any other life form. So I'm sitting there, reading the totally sweet crap I bought and listening to my iPod. By doing both these actions at the same time, I figured I would be seen as both audially and visually occupied, and thus left alone. Apparently, train folk care not for anyone's attempt to ignore them.
First comes who I will refer to as "phone bitch." Phone bitch spends her time attempting to make calls on her cell phone and having them drop out on her. For anyone that's ever rode a train, you will know that for large periods of time you will have no signal. She then promptly begins to ask me why her phone isn't working, because apparently I had worn my Sprint Employee t-shirt that day and nobody told me. She also proceeded to ask me how to play games on her phone, and what the controls were, she didn't even offer me a game of totally sweet video bowling.....stupid Phone bitch.
Phone bitch didn't bother me as much as the guy who conductor man decided to seat next to me 4 stops into the ride. Him I dubbed, "quiet man." Now, the name sounds good, and it was at first, he was quiet the whole time. He never attempted to engage me in conversation, nor did he assume I was a techincal assistant for any of his high-tech devices. Then it decided to get dark. Well, sleeping on trains is something I can't bring myself to do, I guess it's a fear that people are going to like......touch me. Well I flip on my light thinger and continue reading my mbooks. Well, I look away for a second to grab my iPod power adaptor because my battery was low, and the mother fucker turns my light off! THE NERVE! He kept his "quiet man" posture, even pretended to be asleep. At first, I thought maybe it had just gone out, but no, he had pressed the button to turn off the light, because it came back on once I flipped it. So I start reading again, and after a while, I lean over to get my soda from my bag underneath me, and I hear a click and THE FUCKING LIGHT GOES OUT AGAIN! So I look at him, this time he just looks me in the eye, leans his head back agaisnt his seat again, and goes back to sleep. Well, I wasn't about to start a fight on the train, so I just shot him a middle finger, and decided to take my business to the lounge car. Well, rather than say excuse me to get by I just decided to be as annoying as possible and strike him with everything on my person, as well as various parts of myself as my 250 pound 6'4'' frame attempted to contort it's way across him and into the aisle.
In the lounge car, I sat at a table alone and put on my headphones once again and began to read. This next person didn't really go out of her way to annoy ME specifically, but rather throw an all out jesus party in the lounge car. First, she begins to pray loudly to herself, while glaring into each person's eyes one by one. When she got to me, it felt as if my soul was leaving my body, then I remembered I sold that for a gumball once, so I just glared back at her, which prompted her to end her prayer and begin spewing what could only be interpreted as random garbage from her mouth while constantly staying eyelocked with myself. If I wasn't already creeped out enough, she then proceeds to hit herself, and not in face, but instead in the titties. She beat her titties like they owed her money for a good 10 minutes, never once looking away from me.(I couldn't stay looking at her the whole time, but her stare was so strong I could FEEL it on my skin.) Then, some other chicks son was there and he was of the pokemon age, as judged by his t-shirt. Well, titty lady snaps her stare away from me, and to little boy man. She then motions in a "come hither small child, for I shall consume ye flesh" sort of way, and the boy reluctantly walks toward her. I thought to myself, "either I'm going to witness a small child be eaten alive in front of me in a horrific scene, or I better do something to stop her." Turns out that she just wanted to give the kid 10 bucks, after that I felt like maybe I should eat the kid and steal his 10 bucks, I mean she stared at ME for a long time and gave me a titty smacking show and I didn't get ANYTHING except a visual of shaking jesus boobs.
I then decided God had found his way to the lounge car, and I needed to make my exit before he remembered that I owed him some money. So I headed back to my seat, this time "quiet man" saw me coming and promptly left the seat to go to the bathroom, unless he wanted to recieve a beating upon re-entry.
A lot more things happened after that, but they weren't really that much more memorable. The train also decided to get delayed everytime we stopped, and I arrived in Philly 3 hours late...that was fun. When I got home though, I went over my friends house to get so drunk that the train time would leave my head. My friend lives in the woods, and her parents weren't there...so I figured this was the best place to get alcohol poisoning, far from medical attention. Well, some guy I didn't know made all my drinks, and I think he slipped me a roofie because I ended up getting lost in the woods. Thankfully my dudehole escaped unscathed.

So I was checking out the Zelda collector's disk on mah gamecube, and it has a short video on it that's a collection of clips of gameplay from the past zelda games.

But not all of them.

For some unfathomable reason, they left out the forgotten CDI zelda games that not only redefined the idea of what a zelda game could be, but what a game could be. They were gorgeous, heart-wrenching meditations on the beauties and horrors rife throughout the majesty of creation.

Et tu, gamecube?

UPDATE

I was looking at an FAQ for majora's mask, and this was the first line:

I am only 16, I do not want any pornography.

Et tu, 16?

So today was the absolute bomb. It felt like 5 totally gay dudes came and infected my life with gay, which is to say that they fixed all of my problems and now I will never be unhappy again. Mayhap.

So I went back and nabbed that Kanchi toy, and he now lords over my other toys, providing them all a central focus. Currently, he's kneeling on top of my broken monitor, preparing it for Ascension.

Jess got me Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life and I hope the symbolism is evident. I'm really looking forward to kicking back and getting back home from college, hopefully going into business on the family farm. Oh! I picked up La Pucelle. which is already promising to be a damn fine strategy rpg party. It's like Disgaea, only the focus is on a central group of characters (they occasionally mention an epic battle between the prince of the underworld and the princess of light, which is a nice throw back to the nonstop awesome party that was Disgaea). It's not as funny, or as massive in scope (I'm not recruiting dudes and then levelling up their shoes or anything), but it is a well thought through followup to a very successful mission, and the quirk... oh god the whale-covered quirk.

By the way, Mel totally rocked out some of this with her $25 Target card.

Oh, and I got a new wardrobe.

And icecream!

And I saw Al Franken cry on TV this morning, since he said that he wouldn't be human if he wasn't furious at the way the war is being handled by Bush, Cheney, Rice, and Rumsfield. That's why he went to entertain the troops, because he felt unbelievable pity and pride thinking about what they're having to do.

And I'm so ready to move out of this homepad. I've grown so very weary of this uninhabitable wasteland.

UPDATE: Kanchi is now kneeling on top of a bunch of rocks from the camp in Maine. He's praying.

So this guy today, at this graduation thing, he talked like this:

"hwweeeeeerrrrrnnnnnn huh huh huh hweeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnuh nuh nuh nuh nuh neh neh neh nah nuh nuh hwerrrn hweeerrrrrrnnnn."

His name was George Winston, and I learned my times tables to his piano music.

Tomorrow is the day of te gradual, so check it:

There are FLCL toys out there, and they are unsympathetically the bomb. I hear tell that there is a Naota figure either out or in the works (or the guy at that one place was just being a total jackass). I would be the happiest toy boy in the world if he came with a hand that protrudes from his head or a guitar or a baseball bat or any of the totally sweet stuff from the series. I would also love to have a Mamimi as I much prefer her cultish innocence to the ruthless bitchiness of Haruko. A nice add-on set would be the agent guy (Amarao, I think) and the creepy version of Naota's father. Now that I mention it, I think I should watch FLCL tonight, it seems so oddly appropriate. I should mention now that I'm a total idiot for letting the red version of Kanchi escape my grasp. Such a goddamn idiot since it's way more expensive online than it was at the store.

Oh yeah, and I used to have this monitor, right, and it lasted exactly the length of college, but now it's dead. So, I need monitor suggestions in the $200 (CRT) to $400 (LCD) range. Size isn't really as much of an issue as clarity.

Also, today at lunch (Chipotle Style) Jess asked Juls if Heidi's parents got along with him OK, and he said yes, that they're kinda' jokers or whatever, and then I said, pretending to be one of the parents, when you gonna' bring around oval eyes again, and then Juls threw up his lunch through his nose.

UPDATEZTREME:

How sweet would it be to have an action figure of this dude (also from FLCL):

In our last extiting episode, Danny Friedman found himself having to make a tough decision: marrying the woman he loves, or saving the life of his own partner. Alex McClung found himself knee-deep in a cocaine smuggling ring, and has to get out before they find him out!

Will Danny be able to choose? Will Alex be able to escape before being forced to go on a cocaine-induced bender? Find out, in this next exciting episode!

To be honest, I didn't take a lot of pictures on Day 3, so I apologize in advance.

Day 3 went like this: Danny had to go into his office to do some work, which was cool, so I walked around the general vacinity of his office place. I didn't want to stray too far from his building, lest I get myself terribly lost in the seamy underbelly of New York City. Also, I'm lazy. Fortunately, there was this fucking awesome asian food market sorta near his building, where I spent the better part of the morning. I picked up the following food items:

• Vitamin Lemon


• A five-pack of various flavored gummy candies, including Apple, Orange, Pineapple (which were goddamn amazing), Grape, and something called Muscat (which I suspect is what those crazy Japanese call a green grape)


• Chocolate Pocky


• Strawberry Cream Pocky


• Some weird cylindrical rice cakes


• A weird bean filled cake

Most of it was increidbly delicious. The pocky certainly lives up to Penny Arcade's hype. I am preciously guarding the few remaining sticks with my life. The weird bean-filled cake was kinda weird. I later found out that it might have needed to be steamed, but I gussied out after the first bite. Also, the girl at the counter in the asian food store was totally hot, but I could tell she totally hated her job, though.

After Danny finished his stupid office work, we headed out to this friggin awesome Vietnamese restaurant down the street. Holy god, I swear those beef things on a stick was the best food I've had in my entire life (even better than Pocky). I need to go back there.

I honestly forget what we did the rest of the day. I think after lunch we just went back to Danny's apartment. We were supposed to go to this sweet Czech beer garden in Queens, but all his friends douched out on us at the last minute, so we wound up going to some weird vegetarian (also Vietnamese, I think) restaurant in Chinatown. I ate a lot of stuff I've never even seen before. The Treasure Balls were my favorite, not just because they were the only food whose name I can remember. Imagine mashed potatoes in a fried ball form with the inside still gooey. Mmmmmm.

After dinner, we walked from Chinatown to Little Italy, which were right across the street from one another. Right as we entered the heart of Little Italy, both Danny and I had to pee worse than either of us had to pee in our entire lives. We quickly spotted this little dessert-type restaurant, so we went in, casually ordered one canoli each (while exerting extreme self-control not doing the "potty dance"), and sat down. We eyed the bathroom door like fucking hawks. Nobody was gonna cut in before we had our chance. Danny went first, while I held down the fort.

That was pretty much all that happened on Day 3.

Seriously, this is just about the coolest thing ever: http://www.beigerecords.com/cory/pizza_party/.

If you're too gay to click on the link, it's a text-based program for ordering pizza through the internet. I'll wait for you to pick your jaw up off the floor.

Even though it orders it from Dominoes, it's still fucking sweet. If somebody'd make one for Papa John's I'd be all over that like mayo.

So Moe's Southwesternese Grill is clearly the best restaurant in DeLand. Here's the story of Jack and my adventure into the Southwesternese planes on the day of the Baldur's Gate 2 Hat Party 19XX (today):

First things first, we needed to case the joint. I explained to Jack that the new Moetown used to be a McDonorama, and he was like NO WAY OMFG PUUUUKKKK. So I drove around the restaurant twice before settling for a space next to the old drive-thru window. Then we went inside, and I felt as if we had stepped into the dreams of a madman. The menu, spattered on the wall like guts, read like this:

Burrito
DONUT HAT JOEY
Salsa, cheese, choice of meat
FAT BILLY
Salsa, cheese, choice of meat
JAMES ATTERSON
Salsa, cheese, choice of meat

Fajita
DONUT HAT JOEY
Salsa, cheese, choice of meat
FAT BILLY
Salsa, cheese, choice of meat
JAMES ATTERSON
Salsa, cheese, choice of meat

Taco
DONUT HAT JOEY
Salsa, cheese, choice of meat
FAT BILLY
Salsa, cheese, choice of meat
JAMES ATTERSON
Salsa, cheese, choice of meat

I stared at this for a long time. It actually felt as if I were living and dying and being reborn over and over and over and over. My madness was broken by the wailing of a banshee.

"WEEEEEEELLLLCOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMEEEEE TOOOO2222222OOO MOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhhh"

That is when I said "I am leaving, may god have mercy on my soul" and then I went to Taco Bell and I was OK. This other time, Jack and I went to Sonic and we did basically the same thing. Why do new franchises have to be fucked up to get people to go?

I don't know if you remember the moral dilemma that struck me over the game Disgaea last summer, but in case you don't it went something like this:

• Disgaea was a quirky game that had no hope of mass market appeal.
• I am often wont to play those sorts of games (see also: the post about Harvest Moon a couple days ago).
• As it turned out, Disgaea was fantastic, without question the best game in the SRPG genre.
• I had been presented with a choice: play a pirated copy of Disgaea, or wait until I bought it to finish it off.
• As a lover of the underground, especially the underground of games (of which I am now hopefully marching into), I opted to buy the game, in hopes that the developer would have more chances to release games of this type and quality in the US (Disgaea was their first US release since the decent PSX game Rhapsody, which did worse than just about any game on the PSX, so they never released a bunch of their better games here, because we're a bunch of beer-titty-a-holes).

Well, my support worked. La Pucelle: Tactics just hit store shelves and my interest is more than piqued. Incidently, this is the 4th game in a series, a series which started with the fail'd Rhapsody. I feel like I was just rooting for Bruce Campbell at the Tony Awards or something.

In this exciting installment, Alex and Danny fight a dinosaur! Will they survive?! Read on to find out what happens!

Day 2 actually wasn't that eventful. We walked around the city a lot again, our first stop: Times Square.

	To be honest, I wasn't all that interested in Times Square. There were a lot of people walking around (even though it was a Thursday), and we all know how much I like crowds (I don't). Also, there was this huge Toys'R'Us there and neither Danny nor I could resist its tempting allure. In all honesty, the place was gigantic. Like about the size of something huge, like a spaceship. In short, this store puts any giant internet wang to shame. There were three levels in the store, and a giant ferris wheel in the middle. I was too awestruck by it to take a photo. Also, there were these weird people dressed as a king/pimp and queen/hoe that were greeting everybody at the door, and I'm sure they didn't appreciate my kind taking pictures of every damn thing I saw. Anyway, let's just say it was majestic and move on. So, on the third floor there was this giant dinosaur, all roraring and moving its head and stuff. I had completely forgotten about the Hulk Hogan gag, so in stead I had Danny try to communicate with it. He was neither seen nor heard from again.
	I tried to enlist the GI Joe paratroopers from the GI Joe display to help me rescue Danny, but all they appeared to be interested in was moving up and down from their safety lines like a bunch of jackasses. There were a butt-load of other displays in the store, and a huge video games exhibit, but since I was not interested in purchasing any new games I didn't really bother with it. In stead I watched some little kids dick around with the Legos.
	Here is what one part of times square looks like. I honestly couldn't get my bearings here, and I completely missed the JumboTron, or whatever the gay it's called. I think this is one end of the Square (which I thought was more of a line, but hey, wtf do I know about New York), so maybe the other end had the JumboTron. When I told my parents about my Times Square experience, my mom got all pissed off that I didn't even see "her hotel" (she works for Marriott). True story. I did, however, learn Rule #6 of Reuters' something or other: HAVE MORE REPORTERS ON THE GROUND. There was this one dude who was drawing on the sidewalk, like the one chap from Marry Poppins. Only he was drawing it on a corner in a fisheye projection, which made it look like he was on acid. He also had a fisheye lens set up for you to look through, which made you feel like you were on acid while looking through it. I would have taken a picture of it, but he had a bodyguard there who looked like he would break your knees if you did that sort of thing.
	Later that day my camera found Danny. It also took this picture of us on the subway upside-down. Note: that is not really Dave Chapelle in the background, only his picture. We didn't get any panhandlers that day, which I guess was good. We kept an eye out for our friend at the Times Square, but he was a no-show. My guess is that he had a gig somewhere else that day and couldn't make it. After Times Square we hit up Dylan's Candy Bar, which is this huge (but not as huge as the Toys'R'Us) candy store of the two-floor variety. They had everything there from Jelly Belly to Jujubees to candy necklaces. I wanted a Ring Pop so I could walk around the rest of the day looking like a total fag, but they didn't have any. So, in stead I bought about 2 pounds of Jelly Bellies and Gummy Bears. Lord, my stomach weeped.
	Our haul. Look at those sacks a-bulgin'. I think Danny's bag is on the left, he went for the gummy bear-twizzler-m&m-jelly belly combo deal. He ate all his before me, but he cheated.
	Me shortly after I began my candy binge. In the background are Danny's roomates: Sarju (I dunno if that's how his name is spellt, but that's how it's pronounct) and Matthew. Both of them were pretty cool, but not as cool as my sack of Jelly Bellies. Note: Sarju and Matthew are that blurry in real life, it is not a trick of the camera.

Actually, just before we went to Dyllan's we went to Danny's old Stomping Grounds (New York University). It was pretty University-ish, except for the fact that this university had certain personalities such as Bill Murray walking around its innards. Apparently, Bill Murray is one of those celebrities who hates it when people are all like, "OMG ITS BILL MURRAY LEMME HUMP UR LEG!!!!!!!" It's a good thing my friend pointed this out before I did that. Also, I didn't really have a chance to, what with me seeing him only seconds before he left the building. Still, it was cool.

The rest of the day was spent in a candy-induced stupor. I think we watched some Azumanga Daioh, but I can't remember. I think we went to a pizza place that day for dinner, or maybe that was lunch. I forget what we had for dinner (besides candy).

End Part 2.

Okay. It's gonna be a Dark Sun movie, the popular and highly-selling Dungeons and Grageons setting. It's a claymation feature, butit will star Rodney James Dio as a live-action actor playing the sorceror king. Despite his present elevated status as a Nascar, we have acquired him into a deal with giving him a jar of rock titties.

It's name is Dark Sun vs. Castlevania: That's the Tooth

Guess what! I totally went on a super-secret mission to visit my friend Danny last week in New York. It was super-secret since I didn't really tell anyone about it (except Danny, a few of my co-workers, excluding one of my bosses since I'm an ass and forgot how many bosses I have).

I took a butt-ton of pictures, so if you dare, read on to experience first-hand how much crap I rocked out of New York.

I arrived on Tuesday night at the bus depot where my friend, Danny, picked me up at the bus station. Immediately after we got on the subway we were confronted by one of New York's most popular tourist attractions — the panhandler. It was so sudden that Danny almost started cracking up at the guy's speech. That, in turn, made me almost crack up, since I had no idea why he would be laughing at such an unfortunate individual. The rest of the metro ride back to Danny's place was totally uneventful. That night some stuff happened, I went to bed, and then it was the next day.

I think the heckler was following me, or us, since we got the same guy when we arrived at the Times Square stop (which was the same stop we met him at the first time). Both Danny and I were successful in carrying out Operation Don't Laugh at the Homeless People. We then proceeded to carry out Operation Have the Fun Time in New Jack City!

	Naturally, the first place I visited in New York City was Danny's office. It's not because he had work to do, or anything. His office is mad awesome, what with the tons and tons of cartoon-related crap spewed about. He's even got some original Transformers artwork in there (!!!!!??!??!!??ampfoemwp). Also, he's the only person in his office, so he can do pretty much whatever he wants, which is the bomb. He's gotta be there, though, since his stupid bosses (who live in, like England, where phones dial backwards) call him every once in a while, which is not the bomb. However, there is nothing stopping him from talking to his bosses totally naked, which is the bomb . . . I guess.
	After I finished watching Danny do his stupid work (fully clothed), we hit the streets for an awesome day on the town. I saw this weird-looking church (in the background), so I decided to punch Danny in the jaw. An innocent bystander snapped a photo. We logged it in our journal in case it contained a clue to solving a puzzle later in the game.
	Next, I saw some flowers. Apparently this is a huge deal in New York since the city is incapable of fostering any type of life other than rats, rats with wings, and cockroaches. I tried to take a picture, but Danny ruined it with his thumb, like a fag.
	After I saw some flowers we went to the Metropolitan Museum (of Art). There was tons of crazy crap there, like this statue of a dude shooting an arrow at something. At first I thought that rock-like thing was another dude, which made it look like the guy was actually shooting a bow and arrow and kicking a dude in the face at the same time, which would have been totally sweet. In stead it's only kinda sweet. Also, I am not looking at his penis.
	I tried looking at what he was shooting at, but my best guess is that he was trying to shoot his way out of the ceiling of the museum with his invisible arrows (which are probably, like, +10 or something).
	Here is Danny crying next to a statue of a lady crying. I think maybe she was crying because the bow and arrow dude shot her in the box, or something. Or maybe she's crying for no reason, like a girl. Girls (and Danny) are so stupid like that.
	Danny tried to totally hit on this one statue of a woman grabbing her boober by grabbing his boober. It didn't work so he went back to the crying statue since crying chicks are supposed to be totally easy.
	There were a lot of frigging statues at this place. This photograph tries to capture the majesty of the "Lots of Friggin Statues" wing of the Met (we New Yorkers call the Metropolitan Museum of Art the "Met" because we're fucking sweet). This picture shows about 10% of the statues in the museum, which evaluates to there being a fuck-ton of statues in this place. The museum is huge (like a museum). Credit: NASA.
	After I nearly vomited from seeing too many statues, we decided to go to a little place you humans may know as "Central Park." I call it "the place were totally hot chicks like to roller blade around in tight shorts." There were also lots of people walking their faggy little dogs everywhere. I think big dogs are illegal in New York, what with the fact that they're not totally gay.
	I did not photoshop this lens flare, it was just hanging around in this cherry tree, I swear. On a totally un-related note, there were tons of people getting married in Central Park. Maybe we only saw 2, but there were probably 20 more waiting to get hitched. We saw a couple couples (hahahahahahahlooooool) getting their pictures taken under the cherry trees. I wanted to run up and get a picture taken with them, but I decided that the only wedding I should ruin would be my own.
	I was so jealous of all the ugly dudes marrying totally hot chicks that I proposed to the cherry tree by thrusting my crotch at it. It turned me down :(
	Here I am imitating Hulk Hogan in front of a mysterious pond that mysteriously appeared out of nowhere in central park. I was gonna do this thing where I just did the Hulk in front of pretty much everything for the rest of the trip, but I forgot about that plan immediately after we left Central Park, so the only thing that I really accomplished was making myself look like a total ass. Also, I have no idea what all the silver spheres were doing floating in the middle pond, but they were real shiny.
	This guy must have had a special permit, or be super rich, since he was pretty much the only person we saw in New York without a faggy little dog. For those of you who can't count, the man has not one but three huge dogs (I have no idea what they're supposed to be, other than totally adorable, awwwwww). I wanted to pet/hulk them, but I was distracted by the following:
	At first I thought to myself, holy shit wtf is Ben doing in NYC! And how did he have kids already!? Then I realized it wasn't Ben, and I stopped shitting myself. That is, I stopped until we saw this totally sweet statue depicting a scene from Alice in Wonderland.
	Danny totally fell for Alice (who wouldn't, she's a total fox!). She was all over him, unlike that frigid boober-grabbing statue. They hit it off right away, and in no time they were doin' it (cuddling).
	The Mad Hatter tried to cut in on some of Danny's action, but I wasn't about to take any crap from him. I gave him a stern talking-to a-la Hulk Hogan, which seemed to straighten him out.

I was pretty tuckered out after a full day of adventuring and Hulking the crap out of The Mad Hatter, so we hiked it back to Danny's place. Thus ended Day One in Alex's Adventures in New Jack City. Chapter Two follows tomorrow, maybe.

yeah...

click! me.

eh... at least william will enjoy it.

Oh Hell Night, how I love you. It is with my deepest regret that I write this. I am afraid, dearest sweet Oceanographic Hell Night, that I may not be able to see you in good time. I am afraid that things with Father have worsened, and I will not be able to come to London in the Fall as we had discussed. Dear sweet Magnanimus Hell Night, do not transform or both to send your delicious temptations down Grizzlebee Way, for I may not be there to accept your affections from on high. I will attempt to send greetings by way of the Meat Shoppe on Drakengard Avenue, but it is with empty pockets that I write even this short message.

I fear and trust that it would be best for both of us to forget about London in the Fall, and mayhap as far as even the Doggenly Spring. There is no trust to hope this night was blood deep spilled.

Your Eternal Servant,
Benjamin Thadius Burbank

Croutons are not a good snack, let alone a good dinner. This I learned on the last of the hell nights.

SEE IT HERE!!

go clan 4ghat! more like 4what, biznotches your mom!!

or here!

Starting this week, maybe, we should clan it up. I think I'll print a poster while I still have access to printers.

Oh yeah, May 1st now. Jack calls this party day.