Velocity Equals Position Over Time

"The only tough part is keeping your hand-eye coordination when things like a severed head riding a penis tries to kill you."

Ben, it's funny that you mentioned Cho Eniki, the SNES fighting game, because my vote for one of the most screwed-up games ever (I'll talk about what Ben thought I was going to say later) is Cho Eniki: the playstation shooter, which was a follow-up to the wildly successful fighting gayme. To really do this game justice, I'm going to quote Seanbaby.com's review of it. They describe it as "a cross between Gradius and lubricated men having sex with each other. " Here's the first screen:

Seanbaby's caption: "Sensitivity training has shown that whatever a person chooses to hump is a valid and beautiful lifestyle, but when you're designing games where the main boss is a pyramid of men in bikinis launching skittles out of their mouths, it's time to take some of those dicks out of your mouth."

More of the review: "You start the game as a nine-story flying man in a speedo firing lasers out of your viking hat, and yes you read the beginning of this sentence correctly. After a few minutes of this, you are transported to a dimension of pure homoerotica. You swim through the air with your two nude male assistants, who follow beside you and recline into various sexy positions. The three of you fight off hordes of tiny chariots filled with naked men, rocket-powered dildos with naked men dangling from them, and giant naked men using other giant naked men as pogo sticks. "

Now the second screen, and its caption:

"If you get to the end of the level without enough phaser power-ups, one or both of your naked men will fall in love with the stage boss and abandon you. And there are no words to describe the betrayal you'll feel when you're left for an insane pile of homoerotic space homo."

And a vision of the first boss, which encapsulates the spirit of this game:

"Let me try to paint this baby-oil massage of a mental picture: The first boss is a monstrously huge man wearing a metal sphere for a codpiece. As you blast it, a second phallic-shaped man comes out of his crotch and tries to jab you with his stretching penis-arms and penis-head. While this is all going on, humpy jazz music is being mixed with the sounds of a woman panting. "

Posted by jack at May 26, 2004 12:54 PM