November 30, 2004

Oopsie. I'm a girl.

And so it was... that a homo sapien sapien of the female persuasion emerged unexpectedly within a sea of bonars, dildos, and the ever-present stench of heavy breathing on teats, violent games, and postmodern digital drawings.

I shall make my presence known. I shall be loved. I shall conquer.

---

My "Eulogy" submission... (Even if it's really an Obituary that we're dealing with here.)

It was not the crash that killed our beloved Melanie. She was already crushed by the heavy burden of her baggage: spine cracked, internal bleeding, heart pierced by floating cartilage and steel shards. Though when we opened her up, we found nothing but oats -- the blood, absorbed, like wind into a porus bed sheet.

She carried within her the grains of life-giving sustenance, and as the plane crashed down into the desert, the sand gnomes and tigers feasted; they will -- with any luck -- make it through the winter.

Thank Jesus for the bounty. Thank God for the rain. Vegans shall some day heal the wounds of an empty stomach. Maybe yours.

Posted by mel at November 30, 2004 11:02 AM
Comments

spank my bum and call me sally, but i'm pretty sure obituaries are the factual death tellings in the paper. kind of the who, where, when, those left behind... but the eugoogilies are what are read or given at the burial, like the goodness you just submitted.

then there's epitaths... but really, who gives a damn about epitaths?

Posted by mike! at November 30, 2004 11:06 AM

I think I was going on the instinct that it would be very unlikely that any of us would give our own Eulogies. However, now that I think of it, it would be rather unlikely that any of us would be writing our own obituaries, too.

Touché, Michael.

Posted by mel at November 30, 2004 11:12 AM

ha ha

Posted by Basic Instinct at November 30, 2004 11:15 AM

I think we'll forever remember today as the day that a female filled with oats conquered an army of teat-breathing bonars and captured their virgin hearts.

Posted by jack at November 30, 2004 11:37 AM

I fucking knew it. Become a Vegan and your whole insides turn to oats. IT IS A SICKNESS, EVERYBODY.

Posted by chris at November 30, 2004 11:46 AM

I'd rather have my insides choked with meat, thank you very much.

"Insides choked with meat" . . . oh man, does that ever sound delicious.

Posted by Alex at November 30, 2004 01:30 PM

... group trip to In-N-Out burger? they have fresh oats for the vegan.

... just sayin'.

Posted by mike! at November 30, 2004 01:50 PM

No I don't.

No oat.

Just burger.

Burger and grease.

With cheese.

Double Double.

Posted by in-n-out burger at December 6, 2004 01:43 PM