November 30, 2004
For Gret Justice
My Eulogy. To be read by James Earl Jones. It's kind of long.
Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to remember the life of Alexander McClung, later known in life as Alexander the Conqueror.
Indeed, humanity has not seen a man as terrible as Alexander since the times of Hitler, Jesus, and that other Alexander. No other human in Earth's history has wrought so much destruction, slain so many innocents, or banged so many hot women.
It was in his twentieth year of life when his battle robots marched across the earth, belching fire and lead into the faces of those who stood in their path. The mightiest nations crumbled, the heroes fell alongside the weak, and streets ran with the blood of mankind's past. Our planet had changed forever. It had been plunged into a steely darkness, where the only lights came from the muzzle of a gun, or the glimmer of a lazer-sword cutting down an interloper.
From then on, Alexander became known as the Conqueror, and he reigned from within his flying crystal palace way up in the thermosphere. Many attempts were made to breach the palace, but all the jets and missiles sent to destroy it were blasted into oblivion by the thousands of chainguns mounted along the palace's defenses. From within, Alexander the Conqueror began to spin plans to turn the planet into a giant machine of war, and for five long years we toiled ourselves to death under his merciless authority.
The darkness was lifted the day Alexander died; December 2, 2004. Nobody knows why his plane crashed, or why he was flying on a plane that day, or why his nuclear fusion-powered deuterium exoskeleton failed to save his life. But the fates were against him that day, and he died, screaming, in a firey inferno, hurtling towards the ground at warp-speed.
One might question why a man, who was sent to the past to save the future, could be so cruel and destructive. It might be difficult for us to understand now, but one day we will realize that we have been made stronger for it. Humanity will punch through the veil of darkness that Alexander the Conqueror has thrown upon us, and we will succeed against the race of robot-people when they are sent to destroy us twenty-nine thousand years from now.
[wait for applause, cheering]
And so now we must bid farewell to Alexander the Conqueror, and shoot his ashes into outer space, where they will be annhilated by cosmic radiation, or vaporized as it plunges into the core of a distant star. We must pray Alexander's soul does not live on, for it can only wreak unimaginable terror in the afterlife, where we will all inevitably be inslaved when our time comes.
[James Earl Jones throws a switch which activates the countdown sequence for a rocket containing my ashes. The rocket lifts off, blasting through the roof of the church, smashing through the crystal palace (sending it crashing down through the atmosphere as a series of deadly fireballs) and off into space where it will ultimately collide with the core of a star, triggering a supernova reaction and forming a black hole.]
[wait for applause, cheering]
Posted by It Rhymes with 'Alex' at November 30, 2004 11:30 AM|
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